You know.....one fucking day she's going to tell me to leave, and I'm going to fucking leave. I'm going to leave and I really won't fucking come back. I'm soooo fucking sick of her tripping out on me about the most stupid and insignificant shit! It's bullshit. It's like, despite the "real good mood" she was in, starts fucking yelling at me and tripping out because I told her dog to get out of the kitchen....WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! "I don't wanna trip over the dog, Mom" "Well, watch where the fuck you're going cause she only has to get out of the kitchen when there's something boiling...you're not gonna come in here and change the fucking rules..blah blah fucking blah.." just yelling and shit....talkin about if I don't like it, I can leave....


"I can't wait until you get a job so you can get the fuck out of here for a while" Yeah....she's got it wrong.....when I get a job, which I'm looking, I'm going to be saving every penny I can, if she doesn't try to stiff us with our share of bills....so I can get the fuck out of here...for fucking good.

Seriously, it's fucking beyond ridiculous to be yelled and screamed at over something as minor as telling the god damn dog to get out of the kitchen!!!!!!!!! She turned it into this big fucking fight, and there was no reason. I have perfectly valid reasoning for not wanting her in the kitchen. And it's not like I yelled at the dog and punched'er in the face or something as I told her to get out...no....It was just a "get out of the kitchen.." no malice behind it, no hostility.....just that....and she goes off like a fucking atom bomb or something....

The god damn dog is constantly under everyone's feet, including hers! but no....I have to watch where I'm going if I don't wanna trip over her....you turn your back to the fucking dog and she's under you're feet tripping you before you're completely turned around again. And it's not like she's a small dog....not in the least....She's about....I don't know....70 lbs or something near it......I mean, I could get hurt if I fell over her, she could get hurt if I fell over her...but NO FUCKING WAY! She doesn't wanna see that aspect of it...the fucking logical side of why I said it....NO NO NO NO! Can't be fucking logical about anything! I'm changing the rules!

Dear God, please, someone fucking shoot me! IT'S A FUCKING DOG! I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my dog. I don't know what I'd do without him, but her fucking dog, BOTH OF THEM, are constantly under my feet and I'm sick of tripping over them every I wanna move.

The fucking dogs get better treatment than I do...her flesh and blood....she'll fucking trip out if I tap Trinity on the nose and say no, but it's perfectly fine for her to hold me down and repeatedly punch me.......yeah, that's perfectly fine.

But, of course, if you ask her, I've lived the perfect live because "I've always gotten everything I wanted" and I act like to everyone else that I've had a pure shit life.

And you know....when I was growing up, I did get pretty much anything I wanted....

I will admit that...I got a lot of shit I didn't want too....like....being screamed at, being thrown around against walls, being slammed to the floor, being slammed against walls, fists flying at me............that's not even close to everything.......

Some shit, A LOT of shit, she doesn't know about at fucking all. Not many people do....but, yes, that's my mother's answer for everything when it comes to my life....because I got "everything I ever wanted" I had this problem free life.

Not to mention the fact that I'm bi polor and schizophrenic...no no no...those things don't matter because my life was spit shine clean and clear all the way through it up until this point.......I've never had any problems....Nope, never..not me! I've some how gotten through 24 years of no tears of anything but happiness, I've never heard voices in my head whispering the most vile things. I've never sat in a closet and listened the pro's and con's of blowing my brains out right then and there with the shot gun I was starting at.

No no no...I've some how managed to skip being beaten, put down, thrown out on the streets, talked down to.

I've missed the look in my parents eyes whenever all of it was happening. I missed the look in my father's eyes as he beat the shit out of me for not washing a fork off good enough. I completely am oblivious the look in my mothers eyes before she attacked me the last time....the look of pure hate and rage and anger.

Like their silent thoughts screamed at me through their eyes that this was the last time I was going to draw breath.

But not any of that happened...NO! none of it....because I have had the perfect life! don't you know! cause they bought me "everything I wanted."

And you know.....it's not that I'm not grateful for the things they've given me because I'm very well aware that a lot of people didn't have money to buy their kids things....but, honestly....I'd have given every bit of my toys to those who needed it more, than to have all the shit I named that "didn't" happen, didn't happen.

A material possession can only last so long, you know...? It's like it's said, "money doesn't buy happiness"...it doesn't.....You know what happiness is...? Happiness is not having to hide your tears with a smile. Happiness to not isn't....everything I just typed out. Happiness isn't "If you don't like it, leave!"

It's not fucking happiness that I'm feeling right now. It's not happiness to look at your mother and know that no matter what, I will always be on my guard. Happiness isn't knowing and resigning to the fact I will never let myself get close to or trust her.

That's not my definition of happiness...


I guess that's it for my rant....I really don't expect people to actually read all that....but if you have, thanks for the time.